A Confession

Life is a gamble.

But I believe that there are no such thing called accident in life. Everything happens for a reason, or sometimes two.

Still clear in mind, it was almost 2 weeks before SBMPTN test. I was all alone in my bedroom with a cup of coffee and a bowl full of authentic spicy noodle made by my Bibi, surfing the web with pounding in my heart. You may laugh, but I really did read all the blogs and articles I found in websites with keyword “Kuliah di SBM ITB”, “Pelajaran SBM ITB”, “Suka Duka SBM ITB”, “Pengalaman Kuliah di ITB”, etc.

Don’t get me wrong, but that’s just how I knew things. Most of the times I am capable to know about particular thing, topic or person –inside out- just by stalking on internet. So the jokes that said jealous women do better research than FBI really hits me, unless I don’t need to be jealous first. Besides, that’s the main purpose of internet right? To help people gain information easier.

Back to the topic, you may already know (or not) that I was a student in the Science Class for three years. First half of it in SMAN 1 Mataram, and the rest I spent in SMAN 1 Cianjur. Three semesters for each school. There are many lessons I got from being a mutation student, but that is another story. What I would like to highlight here is the perks of it in terms of entering college year process.

There were a very common rumour stating that mutation students, especially the one that move in or after the third semester couldn’t accepted via SNMPTN, they said that the system will automatically reject those who came from more than one school because of the different rating standard in each school that may cause an uneven assessment. Eventhough lately I know that there are some of my friend’s friend that got accepted eventhough he were a mutation student.

Looking back to the beginning of my high school, I was in a GREAT confusion deciding whether I should went to the Science or Social Class. Being an entrepreneur and growing my own brand is no doubt my all-time goals. I don’t fear speaking up about it since my early age while the other child dreaming of becoming a doctor, teacher, pilot, or a police.

In order to actualize that dream, with the help of my very-supportive-mom, thanks God I run my first business in the 4^th grade of Elementary School, which were selling Rp. 2.000,- homemade snacks (always sold out before time school end!) and sometimes selling the print out version of Idola Cilik contestants (don’t judge me but the contest was really famous at that time). I love doing that for free but then thanks again God, the profit goes to my moneybox. It was a lil silly to think today but well you know that if it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid at all.

Based on this condition, I conclude that I need to go to Business School, and from my internet observation I found that most Business School entrance test is in SOSHUM  field. So I ask my family to join the Social Class in High School. But for some reasons (that I may share about in the future), I went to the Science Class.

High School years passed beautifully with ups and downs and it ended with a big life question: Where to go next?

I faced more tricky confusion than I ever did in the beginning of High School. I have to decide to choose between two option, SBM ITB that clearly studies business and management or FSRD ITB so I pursue my skill in art (that could possibly become the content of my business). 

After a long thought and discussions with family, teacher and also reading those blogs I’ve mentioned earlier in this post, for the SNMPTN I decided to put FSRD ITB as my first choice and SBM ITB as the second. No third option.

There were a very common rumour stating that mutation students, especially the one that move in or after the third semester couldn’t accepted via SNMPTN, they said that the system will automatically reject those who came from more than one school because of the different rating standard in each school that may cause an uneven assessment.

The rumour have been proved in my last school because all of the mutation students didn’t make it via SNMPTN. But lately I know that there are some of my friend’s friend that got accepted eventhough he were a mutation student.

For information, last year regulation about the number of student who able to register is different from the year before. Last year (my year), only 75% of total students in my school who able to register. Considering my not-so-bad ranking (I’m the sixty-something from hundreds) ((definitely in to the 75%)), I started to prepare for the artwork submission that become the requirement if one choose Art Major.

Since that day, which were about two week before the artwork submission, I gave my very best to complete it. My school time normally ended in 2 pm and one hour after that in 3 pm you could see me have changed my uniform to a comfy shirt and sat down in front of my canvas surrounded by paint and brush. Then I will completely focus and couldn’t be bothered until about 10 pm. My friends couldn’t contact me in that time interval and they started asking me what am I doing (I didn’t told them I choosed FSRD). But surprisingly I never get upset or exhausted. Maybe that’s what people called passion, it’s something you could happily gave extra miles to.

Then the day finally come when the SNMPTN registration open. It was 10am and I was in my school mosque with some friends when we decided to open the SNMPTN link to check whether we enter the 75% lucky guys who deserve the possibility to continue to the next step or not. One by one my friends pronounce “Alhamdulillah” followed by a big smile.

When I enter the registration number and finally get into the link (the server were so slow), I saw a colour I would never want to see. It’s a red. Red. I’m all choked up but I didn’t want my friend to see me crying. So I lie and told them that I want to go home and check it there.

The second I walked out my school, my tears fell. I remembered my artwork that supposed to be submit in the SNMPTN. All the efforts I gave to complete it instantly feels useless. I felt useless. It took me about three days doing nothing, rearrange my heart, till I finally ready to lift my head up and back to the game.

I realize that the SBMPTN test coming really soon and I have prepared nothing for the test. With the same major choice and a little exchange in order, I have to took the SOSHUM test meanwhile I never study about it in class. Even in bimbel I took SAINTEK class and join several SAINTEK try out.

I only got 40-something as the best score in one of those try outs and that’s definitely coming from TKDA because I only managed to answer few SAINTEK questions. Want it or not, I have to learn SOSHUM topics in this little time. In about two weeks before the test, while the other people may have already mastered the material tested, there were me, in my bedroom, just started to read the first bab of each subject.

God has a plan. I met this site titled Zenius. I spent my time remaining by answered each questions in the book and watched every videos on the sites. I printed out the exercise and did it carefully. I prayed to God and asked for pray to my family. I did everything I could.

Then finally the test has come and I answer every question. Everyone said that we shouldn’t answer the question if we didn’t sure it is right or not. But, I think, life is a gamble, so let’s take the risk. So I answer most of the question. I forgot the exact number but I believe that there were no more than 15 answers left unfilled.

The moment the test ended, I walked out the room and went to the ground floor to met my mom who waited for me. I saw my mom with another mom-daughter couple. After a small-talk I knew that they came from Jakarta, but I couldn’t remember which major/university she wanted to get in. One thing I remember is she said that she could only answer few numbers because of the hard level of question and the very different type of TKDA question we got from last year type.

Wait, what? This fact suddenly got me confused. I thought that everyone could did it easily so I push myself to fill each question I could answered. I have prepared myself not to put any hope to the result because I have no courage to did so.

As an effort, I did took some tests in the other universities which are Visual Communication Design in Bina Nusantara and International Business in Telkom University. At that moment I really didn’t mind to went to any choices because both of them is my favourite subject.

after drawing test at Bina Nusantara

After that nothing much happened other than wait and wait.

The day finally arrived and I have this mixed feeling between curious and afraid yet so excited. The announcement should be available to access on 2 pm if I’m not mistaken. One hour before it, in order to forgot about this college-things, I decided to join my mom to went to the hospital for accompanied my brother who got throat-problem. Unfortunately only one person is allowed to enter the doctor's room so I have to wait outside.

Tired of waiting, I decided to go to the mosque which is on the second floor to perform the dhuhur prayer. After I finished, I checked my mobile-phone to find that many of my friends had already opened the test announcement. Some sent sad emojis, but more were sending happy one and words like "Alhamdulillah .."

I thought to open mine too. First attempt was not successed because the server problem. I tried the main site, ITB site, and also the UNDIP site but it didn’t work. A friend suggested to open from a particular link. Finally, the link was accessible even though slowly. My heart was beating very fast I thought the woman besides me could hear it.

It feels like the longest 15 seconds in my life.

When the result finally appeared, I could not say anything, my eyes warmed up and I made prostrations of gratitude. I walked down in a hurry. I saw my mom and my brother sitting in one of the waiting chairs -maybe seacrhing for me.

“Mah udah ada pengumuman,” I said. “Oh iya?????? Terus gimana hasilnya?!” she replied antusiastly.

“Iya temen teteh banyak yang keterima.. Si A dapet di Kedokteran anu, B di Psikologi itu, terus mama inget C nggak? Dia dapet di Ekonomi ono.”

“Ya terus teteh gimana?????????????”

Actually I really want to said it from the first time, ma. But I got my tounge freezed.

With tears in the tip of my eye, I finally said, “Alhamdulillah lulus SBM mah..”

That’s it. We both burst into tears. People immediately turned to us but who cares?